The scene outside the school building on the first day of lessons resuming can be emotional: wobbling chins, tear-stained cheeks and lots of throat clearing…and that’s just the parents. As their children return to school – some for the first time ever – many moms and dads share emotional posts on social media and report feeling tearful and choking as they watched their children represent a new academic milestone.
These feelings are something Aramaic style She’s experienced both as a parent firsthand—”The second he went in, I definitely had all the feelings,” she says of watching her 3-year-old preschooler—and in her practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist.
“I see that all the time, parents have a lot of emotions, especially when their first child is in the care of someone else and especially when they’re really young,” she told Yahoo Life.
What fuels those feelings? We asked the experts to break it down.
Why are emotions high?
Starting school or moving up a grade is a positive achievement for children. So why are some parents so sad?
“I think the feelings come from many places,” says Aramian. “One of them is that there is some sadness about your child’s development. It’s part of the process of grieving that your child is no longer a child.” She herself recalls thinking, “My baby is growing up…he looks so different” when her young son starts his new school.
Parents may also feel helpless or overwhelmed by the “loss of control” that comes with entrusting their children to others. In the case of younger children, the kindergartner may celebrate their first time under the care of another person; Even parents who previously depended on daycare or preschool may struggle with not getting regular updates about what their children are doing, learning and eating throughout the day.
“When entering a completely new environment, he loses control,” Aramian explains. “And I think that brings up a lot of emotions, as well as the sadness of time (the passing of) and your child’s development.”
UlricMD, a psychiatrist and director of child and adolescent education and training at Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, adds that from a psychological point of view, “there are a number of reasons parents cry” during these moments, which aren’t necessarily limited to parents of new students. For some, it may be interesting when they watch a kindergartner go into elementary school. For others, it’s crying on the way home after dropping their teenage son off at school for the first (or second, or third) time.
“The first thing we have to sort of understand is the reality of the emotional bond,” Vieux tells Yahoo Life. “In many ways, it can be a concern because it’s a change in the parent-child relationship. And a lot of times there’s a fear…that you might not be able to protect them the way you used to. You lose control.”
He adds that these transitions — from preschool to kindergarten, middle school to high school, living at home to going to college, etc. — can lead to a “change in dynamics” between parent and child, as well as shifts in identity the individual. First-time college students who no longer share a home with their families, for example, are bound to learn more about themselves as individuals and to explore new goals or interests. As they gain more independence, the role of their parents changes.
“Parents can often see that,” says Vieux. “But there is concern that (parents think), Well, this is not entirely my journey; This is my baby’s journey. And there can be some concern about, Will my child make the right decisions as he develops as a human being from this first stage to the second stage? “
Parents may also feel overwhelmed as these school milestones—stepping up, graduating—bring home any particular challenges their child has overcome, Vieux adds. He notes that seeing a child who has, for example, an illness, learning difficulties, or other difficulties to progress academically, is “a big deal.” He says: “These are tears of joy.”
How do we get through it?
Aramyan distinguishes emotional reactions in events that mark the end of a journey from those that occur in events that mark the beginning. Crying at a child’s graduation out of pride, or choking when saying goodbye to a beloved teacher on the last day of school, for example, is a way of acknowledging that it’s OK to have such big feelings about closing that class. But when it comes to beginning a new experience—one that may leave a child anxious and uncertain—”it’s important to emerge as a calm, confident leader for our children,” she says.
In this situation, parents should focus on how their children are feeling first and foremost, validating their feelings and guiding children through any tears or stress on the first day. Aramian recommends parents go into support mode, rather than “trying to manage our own things, to make sure our child doesn’t want to take care of us because we fall apart.”
“It’s a new thing and there’s already a lot of pressure and feelings,” she notes. “It is important for the parent to appear calm and then manage their own emotions that emerge after dropping out of school.” Even parents who don’t tend to cry can benefit from spending a moment “with the idea” of what changes are happening, what they’re signaling and how they feel about it.
“Even if you’re not going to cry, give yourself a moment after you get off to really take it in,” Aramian suggests. “What does it mean for your child to be another year older? What does it mean to give up that control? Because a lot of times parents don’t end up processing this and so they may have their own emotional triggers” about a new change like this.
Does it get any easier?
Every parent is different. Some may always be able to keep their emotions in check. Some may find the first day of the school process unbearable with their first child, and then find the old hat by the time their second or third child goes through. Others may find it more difficult to see their youngest child achieve these milestones. Some may keep a stiff upper lip for years, then lose it when their child leaves for college and develops empty nest syndrome.
Vieux says he sees a lot of empty nesters who struggle after dropping their kids off at college. It urges them to look for silver linings, such as using new free time to reconnect with a spouse, travel, or explore interests they were unable to pursue before due to the demands of parenting. He adds that parents who experience a loss of control in their child’s absence can benefit from trying to “refocus on what you can control.” Support systems are key, Vieux says, noting that these transitions may include losing contact with valued school community members or parents’ friends when children change classes, schools, and so on.
He says, “Don’t isolate.” “Really make an effort to maintain your social connections.”
Takeaway
Aramian says there is “no right or wrong way” for a parent to respond to these school changes and milestones. Crying at the school gates doesn’t mean you’re a better mom than someone who waved goodbye to their son and got on with his day smoothly.
However, the therapist “encourages emotion processing” during these transitions, however simple they may seem.
“If the tears come down, great; if they don’t, great,” Aramian says. “Give yourself time because you might be surprised at what (feelings) might emerge.”
